Written by Sylvia MacIver, former communications manager at Wood’s Homes.
“Mom, I’m angry right now. And you are crossing my boundary. Come talk to me when you are calmer.”
Hard to believe these potent words are coming from a nine-year-old boy. But then, Laura’s son has more emotional intelligence than many adults.
Laura and her son Dylan have learned to not only identify and acknowledge their feelings but also how to manage them. That goes for Laura’s five-year-old daughter, Olivia, as well. This family knows the power of feeling upset and angry, and what lies beneath the emotion. The popular Anger-Iceberg therapy worksheet adorns the fridge in their home as a reminder to pay attention.
Laura has passed down what she has learned in the hundreds of hours of parenting classes she enrolled herself in. This, following a traumatic childhood and relationships involving all forms of abuse.
At 12, Laura was asked to leave the family home by a resentful stepfather who preferred to care for his biological children. “My upbringing was pretty horrible,” she sighs. Living in Ottawa at the time, she had nowhere to sleep, landing in the home of someone who turned out to be a known predator. “It was the only available place at the time,” she says. Not yet in her teens, Laura knew enough to call Children’s Services. She was soon placed in government care, living in various group homes and for the next few years she suffered from addictions. At 17, Laura found herself pregnant.
Not much longer afterward, she met a man named Ken who stepped in as a father.
Her aunt appreciated the situation and took Laura and the baby in on one condition – that she finish high school. Laura was excelling and earned a record number of bursaries, which took her to Carleton University. She was busy holding down two jobs, studying hard and caring for her son when she discovered she was pregnant again. Ken was showing signs of abuse which continued when the couple moved into their own home. He demanded she quit Carleton. “We lived in the country and so I felt very alone.”
Laura’s mother was now looking to take the children away from her, which prompted a family move to Calgary to be nearer to Ken’s family.
“He was abusive, but it wasn’t as bad as the abuse I endured growing up. But the physical, emotional and financial abuse was definitely there,” she says. And Ken’s family was of no help.
Now in Calgary, Laura was forbidden from leaving the home and was held accountable for every minute of her day. The physical abuse became worse and at one point she admits she was forced to work the streets. “My mental health was deteriorating.”
Ken was not a present father; he neglected the children who were eventually placed into care. Laura knew it was time once again to find help landing her in a Calgary women’s shelter. “But I hounded another agency – calling them day and night – so I could get secure housing. That way I could at least see my kids.”
Laura, who today is 11 years’ sober, says this was the turning point for her. She voluntarily took close to 500 hours of parenting classes to learn how to become a better mother. Her daughter was now in foster care and her son was placed in a live-in treatment program at Wood’s Homes.
“I had no parenting example and frankly the children needed to be apprehended. I needed those 18 months to heal and educate myself.
“I am so grateful to Wood’s Homes for the support they provided not only my son but me. They treated Dylan like a part of the family. He was loved and treasured there and that made me feel good, knowing he was safe. I could tell by the discharge party they threw for him. He was incredibly happy there and missed the staff, but I have to say he was also very happy to come home with me.”
Aside from learning how to validate emotions, discovering each other’s values is also an important part of the family’s everyday life. “We talk about what values are important to each of us. My son values clear, honest and calm communication: So that’s what I give him. And we talk about how it’s OK to be angry or frustrated,” Laura says, adding that people spend a lot of time talking about what we shouldn’t do when we’re angry. “There are things we should do, or can do, when we are feeling this way.
“For instance, when my son feels his heart is beating fast, he knows he’s upset, and he’ll say: ‘I need a hug.’”
Laura was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (a condition that often follows trauma) and admits she sees signs of it in her son. But she says she’s confident in passing down some of the ways she’s learned to manage it. Her casework calls Laura “her biggest success story.”
Ken has supervised visits with the children for 2 hours every weekend, but Laura admits there are things he could do to become a better father.
When asked, Laura doesn’t take long to speak to the top 3 things she has learned as a parent:
- Do not take things personally. Help your child articulate thoughts and feelings. And validate them.
- Children are just tiny adults. We have learned how to manage our emotions. They haven’t yet, they need our help to do that.
- Own your mistakes. Apologize when you need to.
She also proudly recalls the comments a judge recently made when granting her full custody of her children.
“Enjoy raising your babies,” he said while applauding her – something he told her he has never done before.
When asked what it was that sparked her to change her life direction, she confesses: “If having your children taken away is not enough motivation, then what is?”
Laura’s story speaks to the power of a mother who never gave up on her children.
Laura’s journey shows us the profound impact that support, education, and resilience can have on a family. Her story shows what it means to never give up – a sentiment we say often at Wood’s Homes. Each day, stories like Laura’s remind us that our work changes lives in ways that often go beyond what we see.
We invite you to reflect on Laura’s story and think about the role you play in supporting families on their path to healing and growth. If you have similar stories to share or ideas for how we can continue to support our clients and each other, please reach out to the Communications team.
Together, we continue the work of making a difference – one family at a time.
Thank you for being a part of this journey.
